Three Months

April 9th

Three months since she went to the hospital that day. It was in the depths of winter; now melting is finally starting to take place, the scent of damp earth is in the air, and the cats are warming themselves in the sunbeams streaming in through the French doors. The season in which she died is itself passing away.

Three months: should it not be time for the rawness of the pain to have eased? Some days it feels that way; other days, not. Yesterday and today have been days when it has been as difficult as ever. Last night I had a long conversation with one of my dear friends whom I have known since childhood; we had been in touch through social media since K.B. died, but had not actually spoken. 

Just “catching up” and explaining to her what the last three months have been like for me plunged me back into that aching despair. The tears kept flowing for an hour, to the point that it was almost difficult to talk. Even after the tears abated, my head pounded and my eyes ached from the physical effort of crying.

As emotionally and physically difficult as it was, though, talking to this friend was therapeutic. She has been through tragedy in her life, too, and she was able to share her experiences of grief in a way that made sense to me. She confirmed that all the first milestone dates are hell, so having a virtual breakdown on my birthday was perfectly normal. Her ability to empathize, and her tender concern, warmed my heart for an hour when my face was slick with tears.

The sadness led to another difficult night and a strange morning. It was announced today at my workplace that I was to receive a new position with more responsibility. Congratulations poured in. I was humbled to know that my colleagues respected me enough to be pleased at this development. I informed friends and family of the news, and they responded with even more kind words. But in the moments in between the kind e-mails and social media comments and office visits and phone calls, when there was time for quietness, thoughts of K.B. and what happened three months ago reasserted themselves.