The News Fast

Jan. 28^th The Bahamas

An odd feature of my reaction to K.B.’s death (when will I be able to truly process that phrase?) is my inability to listen to, watch, or read about the news. Other than weather-related news which, given that we are travelling, is scarcely avoidable, I have not allowed myself to consume any news since January 10^th. B. has noticed this and commented upon its oddness. It is an extreme reversal, given that being a “news junkie” is one of my defining characteristics.

Raised in a family in which watching the local news at suppertime and The National before bedtime, not to mention listening to CBC radio news at breakfast and lunch, was the normal pattern of life, I always found people who didn’t keep up with “the news” puzzling. In our family, to be conversant with current events was considered as important a part of citizenship as voting. My parents and I are particularly addicted to political developments and have lengthy discussions only “political junkies” could enjoy (and which non-political junkies like B. find baffling).

And yet for 18 days now I have remained almost completely ignorant of what is going on in the world (someone mentioned a plane crash in Colorado). All I can think is that this is a reaction to the fact that so often what is on the news is bad news. I had never really thought about this until B. mentioned it some time ago as a reason for preferring to listen to the news on the radio. The emotional effect of distressing scenes of people suffering is too great for him.

And now it is for me, too. Going through what feels unbearable—the loss of a beloved friend—the idea of hearing about one more tragedy in the world, large or small, from a massacre in South Sudan to someone losing their dog, is something I dread. I already feel like I am a broken person consisting of fragments held together with the thinnest of strings. My fear is that if I let myself experience any more sadness beyond this greatest of sadnesses that the string will fray, and break, and that I will disintegrate into a thousand pieces.