Toronto

[K.B.’s funeral was on Jan. 16^th; on Jan. 17^th we flew to Toronto for a few days before flying down to the Bahamas for a week]

Jan. 19^th, Toronto

Yesterday we went into a gourmet food shop on Bathurst Street and I saw some imported spreads made of chestnuts, apples, and apricots. I picked up a couple of packets and thought, “Now, who am I supposed to tell each time I find a new and interesting chestnut product? Oh, K.B.” Oh….K.B.

I guess being here in Toronto is therapeutic in the sense that there is so much to process—how to use the transit system to get places from where we’re staying, which friends and relatives to see when—that that of course takes up some of the mental space previously devoted to thinking exclusively of K.B. But these last two nights I have had long stretches of wakefulness in which those thoughts return and demand to be considered.

Even the exquisite joy of seeing my friend V. for the first time since our wedding three and a half years ago brought up associations with K.B. With K.B. I had a similar sort of friendship, one in which the rush to talk and share can cause frustration because the words won’t come out quickly enough, there is just so much to say. V. also has that lightness of spirit and natural cheerfulness which were characteristic of K.B., who picked V. and her husband up at the airport and drove them out to B.’s uncle’s farm for the rehearsal dinner. It was not a surprise to me that on that long drive, and at the wedding reception, that K.B. and V. sensed they might be kindred spirits. When I saw V. yesterday, I wore K.B.’s headband with be-bowed crossbones and hearts on it, knowing V. would admire it (which she did). They became friends on Facebook and sustained a connection that way. I was always hoping they would have an opportunity to meet again.