Visual “Noise”

Feb. 8th

In my last post I mentioned my increased sensitivity to noise in the last few weeks. I’ve also noticed this effect with visual “noise.” Too much “stuff” to be looked at can also be over-stimulating, exhausting. Last night we went with friends to see a showing at the local cinema of the compilation of Cannes prize-winning ads. These used to be funny and short. Now, in the Internet age, the ads are tediously long and pretentious. The first one was a Lady Gaga S&M-themed perfumed ad. There was too much to watch, and what there was was just so irritating that I nearly walked out of the theatre.

Then, tonight, after going to see “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”—a film I enjoyed and which was engrossing enough to be distracting—I had another episode of sensitivity to visual “clutter.” The friend I was with and I were driving away from the mall which housed the movie theatre and it occurred to me that my friend (who was driving) might turn up the street where K.B. lived in an apartment building for two years, up until she got married last May. I haven’t passed that building or the house she previously lived in since her death.

Panic joined us in the car and agitation seized me. Could I plead with my friend not to turn up that street? But she was engrossed in telling me about troubles of her own. Fortunately, she didn’t turn up that street, but instead headed north on the main drag. But, as if in reaction to a near-confrontation with a place so associated with K.B., I felt oppressed with everything I saw out the window, a seemingly endless string of businesses with their colourful signs and lights and electronic billboards. I wanted to crawl out of the car and get away.

When this impulse hit me, my companion was telling me about her own state of anxiety. I forced myself to focus on what she was saying, to offer words of empathy. She is a dear friend, too, and she deserved my attention. When she dropped me off at home, she brought up the fact that she is still praying for me and for K.B.’s family. Just even to talk about K.B. for a little while with someone else who knew her and appreciated her eased the sense of panic and provided a bit of comfort after that unsettling episode.